Ram ko Katha aka Ram ko Story aka Ram's Story
Pranab Singh
In a distant land for some and a land they live in the midst of for others, there is an ancient tradition established through the pillars of modernity and the aspirations of colonial integrity. This tradition which happens to affect the life of every man woman and child who aspires or is required to be educated is none other than the glorified examination known as the School Leaving Certificate, SLC in short. Until you get into high school and till the age of 16, older for some, and never for others, the SLC is the defining moment of ones life. It is the examination that tops all examinations, it is the test of tests, it is the single most important event in ones life, for to fail in it is to be undoubtedly branded a failure. To succeed in it, is to succeed in life.
The main character of our story is Ram, incidentally named after a Hindu god who went around by the same name. The name could also mean a rather large goat that likes Ramming heads with other large goats and also for that matter likes Ramming female goats up their behinds. Ramming girls up there behind was what Ram thought about a lot these days. But as it happens, the precise moment this story starts, Ram was not thinking of Ramming his pecker into a floral patty, but instead, thinking of how intelligent he was. He was after all nominated the class president, was the captain of the star cricket team
and had a chick that was considered the girl everyone wanted to Ram. For a moment there, I suppose voluptuous breasts, mouth-watering skin, succulent lips and intense orgasms flooded through his mind. But kind reader, I forgot to mention Ram was eating a nice meal of rice and chicken curry at the moment too, so such thoughts did not linger for too long.
Now Ram being the bright star of future stars and the right star for all fading stars, they piled expectations on him, but they also showered him with praises. It so happened that Ram had recently, meaning some six to eight months ago, given the SLC. Everyone including himself expected Ram to do spectacularly well and possibly hit the Board. The Board being the list of the top 10 highest scorers of the year pinned to a board outside the examiners office, thus, earning it the haunted title of The Board.
So Ram was thinking how high he would end up on The Board and what kind of doors would open and how successful he would be in life and how he would probably get a chance to go to Disney land and study in some fairy tale land. Thinking all this while he was eating, he heard people screaming outside! The results of the SLC were out! Ram could not hold himself back! Up he got, food still in his mouth, half chewed rice and chicken with a bit of pickle, and out he rushed. Only to receive the shock of his life! He had not only failed to make it to The Board but had failed the whole damn test!
A great sense of bitterness swept over Ram, he was saddened by his failure and shocked at his position. With food still in his mouth he bemoaned and groaned, wept and cried and felt miserably miserable. Finally unable to bear it he swallowed his food, but the food tainted by his sadness and misery slid down and remained stuck in some cavity between his throat and chest. A great illness then befell Ram as failure made him woozy and all of a sudden dizzy. He collapsed with the food still stuck in his chesty.
When Ram woke up again, he felt better, but the food was still stuck in his chest. He could not swallow it completely and neither could he completely puke it out. Indeed the food made him very ill. It remained in his chest, a testament of his failure. Seeing his suffering, the ailment of failure upon him, his friends and well wishers gathered around him and tried to warm him, but Ram could not be warmed.
They suggested he ask for a recount, for it was common those days for the examination board of the SLC to make mistakes in counting, after all it was but a school level exam and the people who taught it might not be proficient at math. It could also be that Ram had just been a victim of the system, trying to regulate itself; such things were a normal occurrence after all. The examination board randomly short changed a random group of people who seem to be doing good in order to prevent a drastic skewering of the averages which would show a significant difference in the quality of education provided at certain institutes versus others. All this however, did little to cure Ram of the food stuck in his chest, which by now was the only real reason for his sickness.
That night as Ram slept a very unfulfilling sleep, as you can imagine how it would feel to sleep while constantly trying to swallow or to puke out something permanently attached
to your being. Ram slept a very disturbed sleep but when he finally woke up the next morning, a dream remained frozen in his mind. In the dream, Ram had a met a very wise man. Ram knew the man was wise, as one knows things in dreams without really having to know why. This man being wise had wise words to share with him. The wise man gave Ram some advise on how to cure his ailment. And as all wise men do, he said great words of wisdom that upon reflection reveal very little that is wise. According to Ram and he swears by this, the wise man said, "There is one who can cure your illness, when you meet him ask him for his help."
Well if anything, the dream gave Ram hope that there was a cure for this obnoxious feeling in his chest. Knowing a cure was at hand was a source of inspiration for Ram, so the next day he got out of bed and went out into the world searching for the one. Many hours did Ram walk around aimlessly in the urban jungle of the city, but none could he identify to be the one. Finally, after many hours for searching, Ram came across an old man sitting by a big tree by the banks of a horribly smelly river. Realizing that this must be the one, Ram went up to him and begged him and beseeched him to cure his illness.
The old man looked at Ram surprised and said, "I cannot cure your illness, but if you want I can play you a tune on my sarangi." Getting down on his knees in front of the old man, Ram offered all the money he had. The old man gladly took all of Ram's money, but then threw it all into the smelly river. Seeing the actions of the old man, Ram was dismayed. Upon expressing his surprise at the old man's actions, the old man replied, "Ha! You pathetic thing! You are so attached to the little things in life you forget the big things!" Ram looked perplexed at the old man, who went on "Wait a year and go to your bank, the sum you lost and some more shall be present in your account as a result of interest being paid on your fixed deposit."
Realizing the old man had spoken the truth, Ram was astounded and shocked! He then got on his knees again and started hailing the old man as if he were the Buddha incarnated. The old man laughed at Ram and told him that he was no Buddha, but the Buddha that could cure his ailment was coming up from behind him. Ram eager to cure his illness jumped up and turned around. Seizing the opportunity of having Ram's back turned towards him, the old man whacked Ram on the back of his head and back multiple times screaming, "You worldly oaf! I have fooled you yet again."
However, the whacking had a miraculous effect on Ram and the food stuck in his chest came out and Ram puked all over himself. Feeling all better, he realized the old man was the one the wise man in his dreams had told him about! Turning around to thank the old man for curing him, he found the old man had disappeared, possibly not wanting to be anywhere close to a guy covered with puke, who would most likely try to hug him and thank him.
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